twisted cuffs and stuff

I found a pattern I've been loving for a "Cuff" which is like a cozy bangle/bracelet/wrist warmer/accessory ... fun for your Fall/Winter ensembles, and also fun for my knitting fingers. The linen stitch works up like a woven garment. The colorways that my favorite yarnstress offers can be found if you tap the picture at right. If you would like one, please email me and I can arrange it, happily. They take about a week to create (if I'm not backed up), each with original buttons (I tend to find wood, pewter toned, and pottery ones that are pretty awesome to compliment the color scheme). Consider Christmas! I'll need your wrist measurement in inches, your colorway of choice, and a return email address for a price quote. Pricing varies according to suppliers availability. Yarn suppliers are a pretty eccentric crew.

Thanks!

Back

It's been a while since I've been here - three trips to Rwanda have happened for me since I began this blog in May of '09. God cracked my heart wide open, and my hope has been stretched past the point where I thought I'd ever see it expand. Still growing more in love with my just and passionate Lord, who never lets his beloved free fall hopelessly withhout grabbing us by the hand. Psalm 37: 23-24 says this:

The steps of a man are established by the Lord

when he delights in his way;

though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,

for the Lord upholds his hand.

Grateful.

Bringing some new creations to share :) Let me know what you think.

hoping big

It never stops shocking me senseless, how grace appears in the most outlandish packages. One would think that after knowing God for a while, I'd be used to it by now. Used to the trapdoor, behind the curtain, viola methods of the Creator, and jaded into ho-hum boredom at His antics - and yet...I am finally accepting this once and for all (until next time)(no, I mean it): I just can't know how something is going to work out flawlessly when I step out in faith, until grace shows up and saves the day. Again. Afresh. Like its never happened before. Exactly like last time.

I just had one of those crazy wild experiences of an event going beautifully, when what I expected was an uphill battle. Why am I surprised? Why do I feel like such an idiot for being this shocked that God does what he says he will do? Every. Single. Time.

Yesterday I hosted a screening of the documentary film, As We Forgive, at a local theater. The planning began October 4, when I summoned the guts to ask some questions which were met with unexpected enthusiasm at the Wilton Town Hall Theatre. What began as a little crazy dream - to offer As We Forgive to a public audience and promote local P.E.A.C.E.- became a reality. The outcome was different than I imagined - which is kind of exactly what I expected :) (read that twice)

A small crowd gathered for the viewing Sunday Nov. 15th in a vintage theater quite a bit off the beaten path. Some friends and some strangers decided to come and see what all this talk of reconciliation in Rwanda is about. Afterward, we shared Rwandan coffee (mmm, so good, thanks to Land of A Thousand Hills Coffee), pictures and stories.

But what we really shared was hope, in many different shapes and sizes. My hope that someone would care that God is moving with sure-footed purpose in a war-torn nation of good hearted people. Hope in Rwanda is the same stuff we run on here in America. A stranger's hope that going to see some random documentary would be worthwhile on a Sunday afternoon. The hope of a smattering of local believers who carpooled and caravaned over from Bedford, Manchester, Londonderry, Pembroke, Chester and beyond, that showing up would lift their hearts and make a difference. And even the hope of a teenager I met that the coffee would be worth the trip.

Going forward, I have even more hope. I hope that this screening will lead to others, and that I will get more opportunities to speak locally for P.E.A.C.E. and raise funds for Rwanda 2010.

I also hope that something someone saw yesterday will change them forever. I'm done hoping small; I've seen too much goodness to glorify limiting faith that never makes a move. I'm hoping big.

personal peace

There is a vast possie of reasons why it is logical and reasonable for me to worry lately, and I went to bed with them last night. There are nights like that; we all have them, I'm pretty sure. Nights when the what if's and the what then's are shouting louder than the voices of peace. So I cried a bit, because that's what I do. I knew that a specific answer to "what am I going to do?" was probably not going to come to me in that state of exaustion. Then I asked for some peace, and my heart rate changed, my breathing slowed, and sleep came sweetly. I love to pray for things that God wants to give me: its a sure thing. I can count on God to give me peace when I ask for it; know why? It's one of his favorite prayers to hear. When Jesus was getting ready to leave his most trusted buddies, and he knew that they would really miss having him physically there to speak peace into their lives, he didn't leave them empty handed.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you;my peace I give to you.

Not as the world gives do I give to you.

Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

I think that PEACE probably wasn't what they wanted most, at the time. How about some actual blue prints for what your church in the world is going to look like? How about some good old tablets, like Moses got, with serious instructions for how to do life without you here?

Peace? Really?

It must matter. Peace must be essential, legitimate, and relevant. Like something you don't even know you need until you're positively out-of-your-mind-desperate for it.

What's so different about his kind of peace? The peace I can help myself to -in the form of relief, rest, laughter, a sit-com break from chaos - this peace is temporary. The peace of God outlasts my life, my problems, and my quick fixes. Real-deal peace is what Jesus leaves me with, and it is sourcing me for whatever comes next. I know it not just because I read it, but because its a truth speaking from the inside out of me now and I'm desperate for it.

This morning light, which hasn't appeared quite yet, is not going to give me the action steps which will propel me out of my wilderness (which is not much different than your wilderness, likely), but peace does make me more sure footed. A candle glow that is all I need to slip my toes forward.

training

Training is ultimately about willful change to our bodies and to who we are. - Marty Jerome, fitness writer and runner extraordinaire

I still love the monthly essays in my run journal, even though my running habit has suffered a hobbling blow of late. And the running metaphor, as it relates to spiritual life, is the best one ever, even still. Lately, I've been looking at racing with less ardour and more wistful longing, as if the idea of it is a memory. Whether you are avid or casual about it, a runner is only as good (to herself) as her last time out there. My last foot race was in 08, and I'm playing with the idea of doing another one sometime soon. Feel the sterling commitment in those words....

Once I was out for a little run recently and I started thinking about how Paul says that there are two ways to look at running a race: you either run to win it, or you run aimlessly.

I Cor 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 25Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

I hear a little lesson on hypocrisy at the end, there. Do as I do, watch me be the real deal. See if it works. I wonder if Paul ever envisioned that most athletes would be more into being fit and strong and less into winning prizes by the 21st century? I've had a few sweet races. I did break 2 hours in a half marry, and once I came in 2nd in my age bracket for a local 5k. That's the best I will ever place, very likely. Chances are I'll never be that fast again. And yet I run, even when I don't win. I move to stay strong. When it comes to trusting God, I want to be in the winners circle.

That same word for crown, or wreath, from I Cor 9:25 also shows up in James 1:12:

12Blessed (happy,to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

One thing I adore about the idea of crowns in the bible is the picture of the imperishable wreath, the laurel that the Greek runners earned, upon which we base our olympic prizes and the marathoner's crown. Not too many of us have crowns around here. But one day, those who love Him will be crowned. What will we do with our crowns - the ones that the bible says we'll deserve if we have loved God? We will hurl them gladly at the throne of God to magnify his glory. That will be a good day.

And so we run.

face time

So, for a while now it has been my goal to be the same person in every place; to stop putting on an identity which fits the role of the moment, and quit playing games. I got very tired of it, I was bad at it, and it never served its intended purpose anyhow: to make me feel like a legit member of a group when I felt like I didn't have the appropriate credentials. But, old habits die hard.

One of the things I miss most about being in Rwanda is that every day, since I had no idea what to expect (being in totally unfamiliar territory, both literally and socially), I didn't have to put on a face, or a hat, or a role, and there was no TIME, even if I'd wanted to. We knew the goals for the day, and the one's that materialized, and every one on our teams just rolled up our metaphorical sleeves daily and worked it out. There was no space for arranging your face so that you will look like you know what you are doing. In Rwanda, your face is your face. I absolutely loved it.

But here, it's a different story. At work, in relationships, and in service, I generally have time to figure out how I'm expected to behave. In the past, this required a measure of skill, because of all I had to lose. (Too honest for you?)

There's a great song by Switchfoot called This Is Your Life, and it goes like this:

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose.

What I love about that last line is it almost pokes fun at how much we had to lose when we were younger...because we thought that was so true. If I don't act the part, no one will like me. If they find out that I am X-Y-Z (whatever), then it's all over. Curtain falls. Now that we are older and wiser, we know that its never really over - when we are revealed. And living revealed lives is so much easier! Isn't it?

It actually is, but, for me, it means that I'm ok with this face. By face, I mean the identity I reveal. That's because I am bought and I am safe. In Christ, my forever face(my identity, my soul) is not just acceptable, well recieved, good to go. I am more than fine because I am in Christ.

What is left to fear?

(Just reminding myself.)

picture this

August 13th, I am sitting on the floor of a hospital in Kirinda, Rwanda, surrounded by laughing children who have no earthly reason for their joy, except that some random Muzungu (white people) showed up here today, out of nowhere. We’re playing with a rubber ball.

When I first became interested in letting myself be fascinated with global outreach, it was terrifying to me. I believe that God grabbed my heart while I was praying for the first team that went to Rwanda last summer. As I asked that God would guide them, strengthen them and protect them, my own worldview began to shift. I followed the invitation to begin reading the books on the resource list that they posted online at Manchester On The Move, and God led me gently into other books and other outrageous facts I’d somehow never seen before. I was kind of shocked that I felt a compulsion to care – and I was ashamed, because I have walked with God for over half my life. I never really wanted to change the world before, but that’s because I never really saw it laying in pieces at my feet.

At first, I really had to climb over my own shame at having never cared enough for God’s people in other places. It’s Not About Me became my new mantra, as God healed my self-centered sadness and forgave me again and again, until I trusted that my guilt was just a crutch I was having trouble laying down. But after that, it was obvious to me that I was going to be heading to Rwanda. I began to pray this simple prayer: Please let me see Your people with Your eyes.

One month ago today in Kirinda, we journeyed over to visit the local hospital and pray with the patients who would let us. They are patients or children of patients at a hospital which may be the best place they’ve ever lived, or it may be the last place. After about 4 hours of praying bed by bed, holy soul by holy soul, we were spent. Our team began to gather in a hallway in preparation for catching our van ride home to our guesthouse and perhaps a meal, but no one was hungry, and no one was really ready to go. We were all overwhelmed by what we had just experienced. Our minds had no answers. But LOVE acts. Some times its all that love can do.

I sat down on the floor and took out a rubber ball that I brought with me, hoping for a chance to play. I started just bouncing it to myself, and kids just started coming to watch me. Then I bounced it to one little boy, and his face became radiant. The more we played the more kids joined in, and the darkness fell, but the joyful squealing of fun grew louder and louder.

This memory I’ll hold for EVER is not about what we did for them. Why did God put me there? To give me His eyes for His people. I guess I was there to pray and to play! My heartbreak mixed with their hope. It was not ‘the Muzungu to the rescue’, and it may change nothing for those kids. But I was changed. God let me love in a new language, and His love is never ever wasted.

(as shared Vision Sunday, Manchester Christian Church, 9/13/09, edited by Stef Cassetto)

i'm back, i think, but it's 6:30pm in rwanda

My body is here but I feel very detached. Thanking God for safe flights, happy family, hot showers and ice in my coffee. My thoughts about the trip are random and disconnected, so bare with me. Probably will be for some time. Rwanda seems to do this to people. This photo was taken at the Bethsaida HIV/Aids cooperative where infected people create Rwandan baskets like the one I photo'd for the blog last month. They also sell other things they make, and it pays for their meds, food, and ministry. I was just crazy-blessed to sit with them, pray with them, and sing and dance with them too! Yeah, no photos of that...you're welcome.



There is so much to say, and lots of it was said on our group blog, http://manchesteronthemove.wordpress.com/ , which contains entries from most of us about what we saw and did in Kilgale, Kibuye, Kirinda, and Mugonero. I don't wish to be repetitive here for those who followed the updates from that blog - but I do want to give my friends a bit more as time goes on.



So, Lynne, How was your trip? Because John Cassetto has been there and back twice, he gave us a week's notice that it might be a good idea to start imagining that this will be a question asked of us as soon as we get home, and finding answers will take time. We began to wonder and talk about it in the days that followed, and learned from each other that it's not wrong to have many answers, answers that make no sense, and no answers at all. We saw people who have nothing, but will give you their hearts just because you came; we saw them, loved them, trained them, prayed with them, or just touched them. We learned together with church leaders and pastors what a connected community church looks like. We made new friends, forever friends, and learned to trust each other in almost super-human ways. And of course, we learned some great Kinyarwanda phrases. My faves are; Itorero Wrimwe (One Church), Segugande (Its not about me), and Inshuti wanjye ehene mfite nt'amafaranga (my friend goat has no money). Karen, correct that grammar for me, will you? :)



How was my trip? Wild, fun, soul-wrenching, life-changing, hilarious, scary, awesome, globally significant, and full of tiny insights that will add up in my mind someday to something God will use. But today, it's just over too soon. My main question in Rwanda about returning to the US was, How will I ever go back to doing things that make no difference? Today I started getting answers. We are all created with purpose and purpose takes many many shapes. I got to have the chance to listen to stories of survival which are far more real to me than words on a page. But today, I got to enjoy the embrace of my family - and that matters too.



Yesterday I found a list I wrote last year. It was on a yellow pad that was just laying open and anyone in my house in the last month walked by it in my den. I must have written it after I'd read Crazy Love by Francis Chen. The top reads: If I really loved God with a consuming passion, I would:

As I read the items that went on for 3 pages, I came across these feelings;

• Rip off the armor that keeps me from feeling the pain of others



• Pray more and write less



• Be the people I admire. Do what they do. Ask more of myself.



• Start saving for Africa

That last one just filled me with JOY, and I need some lately because my heart is broken that I'm not still in Rwanda. Look what you did, God. Wow.



I'll keep letting this unfold here, for anyone who is interested. If you are reading this, then you are open. So thank you!

ready? set? go.

Today is the day :) I have laughed all week at how many friends and family members have called and come to see me "one last time" before I leave tonight, and I've tried to be brave for all the goodbye hugs (but you don't make it easy, Emily! Julia!) and I have left today open for packing and final checklists. David is driving us all to the airport at 2:30 am Sunday and from there, I'll be in the Great Hands that hold me always.
They say the journey IS the destination, and as I look back at all the details that carried me like ocean waves to this shoreline, and this new land, I know it's true. Just getting ready has made me a better me, and hopefully a better Christ follower. I have had people wish me Good Luck, and tell me that they could never do what I'm doing. I think they must say that because they think I'm going to Rwanda because I'm some kind of do-gooder (on steroids), when quite honestly, if that were my motivation, I'd be running on fumes by now. I'm seeing that when I see what God is doing and just jump in, he jumps in with all the power, talent, and resources that I need. Whoever you are, you know it too- if you don't yet, then you are missing out on a lifestyle of faith that will blast all your good deeds to smithereens. Doing good is so wasted without love and hope and the power of God to stay when we are gone.

Oh magnify the Lord with me. Let us exhalt his name together. Psalm 34:3.

manna

I am just a few days from Rwanda and I'm getting all mushy and reflective about that. Rwanda, I've learned over this past year, is a very sacred place because of the life and death that fights for a voice from its rolling hills and tear-soaked soil. But it is also very much like any place else: full of people with needs, big noisy families that laugh and love, and work that must get done. I have been wondering lately how much of what I have is handed to me by God and how everything, just everything is coming from God, one way or another.

Last night we had our last full team session; 38 of us together, practically vibrating with anticipation, praying for each other and for the people we'll meet so soon. We sat there, with every financial need met, and all fundraising over, and I giggled at how I could have ever questioned that God would pull it off. John Cassetto and Lisa Mazur, our MCC staff leaders, are so excited to go back to Rwanda and see their friends again, and bring us along like a giant truck full of gifts to them. John gets downright emotional when he talks about this. The moments in life when he sees the big "C" church being the CHURCH and doing what we're here for - these moments make him just stand in awe and when he talks about it, he glows. He weeps. I just can't wait to see what he is talking about for myself. To have the thing I'm praying for right in front of me.

I didn't expect to be this girl. I never thought I'd get to be a piece of something global. I'm not sure I ever wanted to. I can't think about that for very long, because its like looking at the sun; it starts to burn. Honestly, everything that we all do each day contributes to a big whole already, and it always has. So, why not do something little and one-step-at-a-time-ish for God?

There was a time, according to Exodus, when God fed his people himself in order to teach them about one-day-at-a-time faith. Manna is what they called the flaky coriander and honey flavored food (I always picture Baklava) that he provided, because there was no game to hunt out where they were wandering, I guess. This 'bread from heaven' fell with the morning dew each day during the period in which they had no land to call their own. By the next day, all the manna from the day before would start to rot and be inedible, so there was no saving up except the night before the Sabbath. Because God wanted to have that day of rest and worship kept holy, he gave them double food the day before. Sure enough, Sabbath would come and there would be no manna in the morning.

But, why?

"In the desert, the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, 'If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.'" Exodus 16:2 In other words, "We'd rather die and be slaves to those tyrants still than suffer like this and never know whether we're going to have food tomorrow!" But, God had his reasons.

When I said yes to joining a team and doing community development through local churches in Rwanda for a few weeks in August, my circumstances were very different than they are today: we were both employed. It was not that much of a stretch for Dave and I to imagine my involvement at this level. So I began informing my friends and family that they could participate by supporting us, and just after my final airfare payment came due, Dave got laid off. For a little while, we did question if we were getting new information that should change my plans, but we proceeded by faith and knew that if God didn't want me on this trip, he would most certainly put a big BOULDER in my path. He never did. So I obeyed and God provided. This is God's economy and it works. Who knew? Uh-huh.

"He humbled you, feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." Deuteronomy 8:3 This is a great GREAT mystery, but I'm ok with that. What it looks and feels like today in my life- to live on what I know to be true from God and let the rest be in his hands- is all I have to do. He's always been faithful to me, and he never owed me a thing.

Murakoze cyane, Imana. Thank you so much, God.

So, this might be my last post from this blog for a while, but I may get the chance to post updates from Rwanda. We will be blogging from http://manchesteronthemove.wordpress.com/ so please check that out! And please POST on there! I want to hear your voice.

Thanks again for every little thing you have done to keep me stoked and all your prayers!